OR look up state parks. Schedule some girls' nights out. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. This is typically how this dynamic functions. ForeverYoung Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! However, my husband isnt like that at all. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. It sounds codependent to me. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Blondie Communication people. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? LolaBeans Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. I hate having family stay over at our house. barf. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. At least, most of the time. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. 2. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. All rights reserved. They are content with the status quo. Maybe something is up with his family? . lets_be_honest In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. Pronouns made that a little less clear. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. ReginaRey It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. It sounds pretty nice, to me! My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. Does that make sense? My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. And he was a bore. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. Red_Lady . If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. However, its also a convenient excuse for June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. . which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. A lot of family time. The evening must be spent together as well? After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. No, not necessarily. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending ForeverYoung June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. allathian January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. Dont go this weekend. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Your Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. What about visiting your parents? The little things like who is taking the garbage out? WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? True enough, Flake. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. To come home the LWs perception because she wants to go to his moms house, Ill choose mine time... 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