Copyright 2007 - 2023 GoodTherapy, LLC. Well Ive done everything i can think of to take back and fix what Ive done. Ever since then I put up a wall and guarded my heart. cos your heart is telling you is worth it . Hi Princy, I cant forgive him and Im not in love with him anymore. But he doesnt want to give me another chance. Is there anything I can do to try and save this? All I know about love ( from 10 years of marriage) is that the only way to love a person, is to love them even when they dont deserve it. Heres why: What you allude to in your childhood sounds like you experienced abuse. I just had it with him. So I took a leap of faith and allowed this to happen. I loved her. I have now put everything out on the table, I have genuinely apologized and have asked him to not give up on us. 3. I dont want to have it end and then face the same thing that he did Because i doubt hed get back together a 3rd time because he is a sensitive guy and doesnt want either of us to hurt again. You just want to keep hating the person who has hurt you. "Once you love someone, unless your respect for them is. Really listen and comment to her on what she is getting at. Saying things that are out of character, reminding me that I hurt him, so I have no ground to stand on, almost pretending Im not there some of the time. I dont think you blew things out of proportion. If my 5 steps, above, are not quite enough, I would suggest you consider enrolling in my course. It's ours now! I kiiled what we had, and it was amazing. Just in June we were looking at engagment rings. He said we need to start over because we have both become different people than we were. The pain the victims spouse feels is emotional and physical. Hey dr deb, Hi M That happens to be a bad idea but our society works that way. When he ended up marrying someone else I was beyond heartbroken. Shes started to talk to me a bit but is obviously not interested in talking about getting back together. seriously. Our four conversations have been long and we laugh and joke like we used to, but I know the relationship has forever changed and she has stitched her heart back together while mine is still raw. Yet we do not have to listen to The Persuaders' soulful vocals to know that love and hate can coexist. He says he wants to keep trying because he remembers how amazing our relationship was, but I feel like hes just saying that and is not motivated enough to act on it. We want to be with each other and fall back in love but we dont know how. eventually, I came to my senses and told her how I felt. If you realized your decision was admittedly selfish, lead with that. My boyfriend is thirty, eight years older than me. I want him home more. I helped him concur some of his demons and even helped him break an alcohol addiction (Which I didnt pick up his addiction until later on in our relationship). If you lack confidence already, this will be a further blow to your self-esteem. I gave him my number after his request. First of all, he doesnt even know how. I had a sense of self-incompleteness so I decide to travel and volunteer in a different country for 3 weeks. I love this woman with every ounce of my soul. If this is something where the two of you have remained together and do in all honesty still love each other, then I definitely think that it is possible to fall in love with that same person all over again. Is this a normal thing? Ive been trying to research these and understand him more. I dont think you love him if you chose people over him maybe its a infatuation, i have been in a relationship for a short period of time, it was for 7 months, i dated this guy who liked me and had a crush on me when we met in university, he stood up and told me on chat that he likes me so much nd wants me, i agreed being with him after getting hurt in 2012 with my first ex, i wanted to heal my self and by time when we were together i fell in love with him more, and i was so happy with him, later by time our relationship starting becoming worse, it was like a long distance relationship and i barely used to meet him and complain but he says he had so much work in university, we fought alot due to my jealousy on him and his jealousy on me, we both really loved each other, but at times people use to get in between and tell me he is a player, dont stay with him and all, i actually ignored, i really dont care about the past, he was truly a player but when he dated me he changed completely to better, time by time we were good and suddenly we fight and breakup, we broke up once and got back again becuase he loves me, suddenly i stood up and told him i cant be with u anymore, because i got alot of bad things about him and i was tired listening, but i felt like i didnt break up from the heart, it showed that he didnt want to let me go, after the break up he tells me that he misses me and writes up pms all over his status, and that time he was out of country, he says that when he comes back he will fix the fight, and i felt guilty and i wanted ti stay with him because i love him so much that i cant let him go, once he got back he started getting colder i was wondering what happend to him also he was avoiding me and he wasnt replying me so often, he couldnt face me so his bestfriend told me that he lost feelings and he cant get me back again because he loved me so much and in the same time he got hurt so much from me also hes not ready for a relationship, i tried to get him back but no use, we talk and i try to fix but he says i cant be with someone who belives things on me wrong from people, he was like we can be bestfriends, i dont really feel like he lost feelings and i still dont know, but i love him so much and i cant let him go.please help me :(. Then after a bad argument, I told him we were over and we didnt speak for a full week. How I treat my boy friend. She lives next door with a guy and told my BF that we should switch partners. He closed off from me this month. But before we started dating I was originally in a relationship with another man. What I advise is a really, really competent therapist who will work with the two of you together to help him turn on his feelings (which means helping him overcome his early learning to turn them off). I feel that he really no longer cares, he would stay late with friends drinking, I really think is to escape the reality that he cant be with the love of his life. So, Im wondering if that is the case with your situation also. I used to abuse my bfs emotions so bad. He needs help. .. I love him deeply and genuinely and I know I am partly at fault for him feeling this way (like his needs dont matter, like he never did enough, like I cant accomplish the tasks he sees as so important, etc), but I dont know how to try and start the process of fixing it. Hi Tina, Having to take that risk and live with that risk can be overwhelming to the point that our love becomes mixed with the occasional bout of hate. It really hurt me so bad too. You may perceive the giving and the dealmaking as a sacrifice or punishment. The feelings were still there for both of us. Therefore, it would be natural for him to be skeptical of your changes if you havent done this (you dont indicate what you did to work through them). She also suffers from depression so I wonder if thats whats wrong? Any advice would be amazing. I know I cant make him stay but how can I prove to him that I am serious and that I dont ever want to hurt him again? What can I do or we do to get through this? I dont talk to guys I dont want to become friends with any new guys that Ive done nothing wrong for him to not trust me a little bit. But what i wana knw how can a man says he love u but when u ask.him ? Until this incident. please reply ASAP? Every emotion was real. A couple months ago I told him that I wanted to, but he freaked out and I stayed. Sexual intimacy all but waned & emotional connection had stopped many years prior. What you need to do is work with a therapist who can help you (a) quickly figure out why you did this and (b) give you the tools to withstand the challenges of life going forward. The insular does not determine whether the emotion is positive or negative. Etc, etc. You ski with regulars over course of 2 years through talking got to know a man, we started seeing each other for lunch after ski session everything moved slowly ended up going to bed. When the hatred becomes intense it can temporarily beat out love. When I think of parting however, it makes me so anxious and sad. There, I cant help you. Now im depressed and my self esteem have dropped rock bottom. We are committed to staying together. Then, he would still defend himself and bring up how HE was hurt when I left to Peru. Thanks for your time. The issues that led to these problems started well before that, when his ex sued for relocation custody. I love him with all my heart and getting married was all I have ever wanted from him but I had a strong gut feeling that I wasnt who he truly loved. Idk really know him. Ended up meeting someone else, someone who I definitely wanted to spend the rest of my life with. They stood by my house fire 45 mins. .should i just let him go, i told him if he wants he can just leave.Knowing that I would be so lost.i still would let him go to have his happiness. She tells me that she wants to stay with me but now she is in doubt on her feelings on the long term. I would not be surprised to learn that he is cheating once again. My husband is not comfortable in communicating at any level outside of day to day life. It was never his fault at all. Is this normal to feel this way? I Was speaking to some other guy that I know & he got mad & didnt want to speak to me , I was sad , because I missed him. To the point where I almost just said that I had cheated when I didnt. Once we started dating he confronted my behaviors and I came clean with all but one of the guys I made out with. My question is how long does it normally take? Help. This is a terribly sad and painful experience in your life that will take time to heal from. And I cant understand whats on his mind. She was not like this before she got pregnant. I was to blame for his misery and we started fighting so much. Will his actions change after a while? He told me 4 days ago that he didnt think he loved me anymore as we have grown apart. Thank you so much for your time and patience :). getting pregnant was not what i wanted at the time because i was in university. Thanks for the advice Dr. Deb! Because hatred and love cause an emotional conflict within us, one of them has to fade away they cannot be equal. You are supposed to have infatuations at that age, but dont call it love. Im so anxious and scared. Remember, if you get angry, you say unwise things. Do I just need more time? He told me I should come see him and we can get that thought out my head so I can see how busy he is, I told him I understand but things you say just dont add up neither does it make sense. Due to the meds, the sparse intimacy has now turned non existent. 3 years ago my feelings changed, and everyday since than Ive tried to get them back. Any advice you could give me would be great. Hi #265 S I have been married for 14 years to someone who is emotionally unavailable. I too loved him very much. Hes even thinking about ending everything. Then I found messages from him and his ex off Facebook, I could only see what she wrote and she said your happy with jess and Im working things out with my baby daddy. What makes for feeling in love? he has however been going out to shopping malls etc and on meals with new found friends. She broke up with me because she is deeply hurt and betrayed . And like you are doing he is now begging me to take him back. Dr. Deb Im a controlling wife thats why my husband told me that he dont love me anymore . He has, without a doubt, helped me grow as a person, and will always be a huge part of my life. I have no idea what to do, cant see anything if things dont work out she has been my sole drive to achieve what I have in the last 5-6 years. I had an emotional affair with the man I fell in love with when I was in my 20s, and I still have feelings for this man. she said mayb I wasnt the right guy . these are all things i had told him i would not ever be ok with again, i took too much before and i told myself i would never tolerate this again. Im afraid that after this process, returning to our normal relationship will be foreign. He makes it seem like hes too busy for me now. My fianc and I have been together for a year and a half. he said that he cannot make me happy. Hurt is a reaction to fear, and in a place of Love, there is no room for fear or anything else. Finally, I realized that it wasnt the fact that I was a mean drunk, it was the fact that we had no time apart, that i was selfish when it came to him going out with his friends, that i was suffocating him, and he didnt realize it until i said itthat he wanted some alone time and that was the real reason we broke up. You need to look nice and be comfortable in the clothes you are wearing because you have to be yourself throughout the date. We are very much in love now, 2 years later, and I do have trust in him but I feel it never fully built up because he shattered it during the most fragile stage. The last few months I cheated on him. She keeps them bottled in. My ex and I are only 20 years old and we had a relationship for about one and a half years. You are surprised when your sister is late (yet again), but you had kind of expected it. It was one of the most confusing and hardest things Ive ever done, wondering why I was causing myself so much pain and leaving the first girl I have truly loved. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. Save it for the right woman. My husband has blocked me out of his heart and his heart is somewhere else now. You are a good-hearted person and you hate to see someone suffer. Plan fun activities to do together. First, you picked a VERY insecure girl. I know this is a case of not realizing what you have until its gone, but I honestly realized what I had when we were together but was regrettably willing to risk it as I was yearning for new life experience while Im young. This argument lasted for a week that I missed her so much cus I have not seen her in 3 months (late May to July). So we bounced around a little after until we managed to find our own apartment. threatening to commit suicide if we left each other and on my part I hurt her in several instances by pretending to be mad at her to take advantage of her head-over-heels status for me. Any advice would be appreciated. I thought we always talked about our feelings. I dont know if your fiance just has cold feet or what. And i used to treat him like a king. Falling in love with someone who hurt you-Not an easy thing by any means but is a lot smoother of a journey when the other person truly recognizes his or her hurtful actions and comes along to comfort or apologize. Im sorry i did it, but idk what to do now, a month has past since we stopped talking all together. I want to give get as much of the world as I can and give her a life worth living. There are books you can read, too, to help. I just dont understand her anymore. she was a lovely lady who helped and loved me too, i wanted to help. For the next four months he lied about his true feelings. I never cheated. Talk to friends. He screamed so hard she screamed in terror (at 2 mos when she just got home). I started to fuss, snap, yell and put him down on a regular basis. First of all, why dont you discuss this with your therapist? We live together so see each other everyday and still get on fine for the 5 mins a day we forget about what has happened. He didnt show it at the time but was discreetly trying to tell me that I needed to chill out. At first he seemed calm and slightly compassionate. I broke down and told her that I was tired of blaming everyone and everything on my behavior. I need some help. And he said he didnt blame me if I never wanted to talk to him again. He left for work and said he needed time to think. He worked construction under a friend. You do not have to go though this. With that being said I was very controlling, checked his phone/email/facebook constantly, I didnt trust him and every girl he associated with I said he was trying to get with her. No single flower. Hi Melly I guess I am looking for advice, and just wanted to express what is happening to me and I found this article and though it was fantastic! However, both have to be willing to work on things. You can choose to go to the movies or have dinner, but then there are other options too like visiting an art exhibition, going for a long walk in the park, etc. She hasnt asked for a divorce, and Im also trying to move closer to her and my daughter. Is that a sign that our marriage is done with no chance of savaging it. It seems to me I keep asking my spouse for the talking and he turns the session around to another subject that ends up hurting me and I feel the therapist doesnt see this. If I raise the subject of why his emotional affair happened, he attempts to validate their relationship using words like Just friends or Its only happened with this woman or He didnt know how to stop calling her. According to experts, it's totally possible to fall back in love with someone you used to date, and the reason why makes sense. I tried to help him adapt by signing us up to loads of activites, meeting new people, travelling a lot. Keeping your communication positive and clear and maintaining a positive outlook on life whenever possible can help keep your relationship happy. The Emotionally Distant Husband marriagemissions.com/the-emotionally-distant-husband/ ), but deep down, Im still really hurt that he set me aside like that. He than confessed to have very strong feelings for the band singer. Its hard to see things turning around but I really want it to. I didnt work to understand him as a person. I truly do not believe they have anything going on, and that my husband is just so hurt and obviously still angry with me, even though he says he has forgiven me. I will always regret the way I left her by herself back home, sacrificing all the things about her I truly love for my own self absorbed adventure, but hey, were young and we need to live our lives a little right? He said he would. You can find a therapist or counselor in your area by using our website. The way you had it in the first place was correct: He has to shape up and then you can see 6 months if he remains clean and sober, having worked through the 12 steps, gotten a sponsor, taken responsibility, acted like a grownup, then maybe you can start to warm up. Sexting and such is escapism. I only know this because she told me. Anything and everything sets us off to an unnecessary fight and argument these days. I fell out of love. About 3 and a half years ago I lied to her about my brother dying. That were going to marry and have children? i have exams coming up.i cant focus also . But when I asked if we could do something together, he said at some point but not yet. Cos I believe that is what enables him. He didnt get upsethis first concern was if we were ok. The pain or hurt can only run as deep as the Love is. She told me to delete every thing i have of hers and not to write to her any more. This is due to mobile. When i did understand what she was missing and started working on that i havent felt any feedback from her, and when we talked about it she came clean about what she did. She hasnt said yes or no with regard to trying again at some point, in fact she has intentionally refused to answer the question saying that she doesnt know. They hate each other. He slowly opened back up to me and after 4 months I got a I love you from him, which frankly shocked me into speechlessness. She says she hated ma, and was afraid to hate her husband, she felt she was walking on egg shels and all that, then this summer she tells me she is DONE! I really felt i was losing him and I think thats what led me to meet up with the other man last year. For me he isnt like any of my past boyfriends with him it is different he just made me feel so much more confident in myself and I felt comfortable around him even felt more comfortable with PDA with him except I need some advice. From a happy and positive person that I have always been I turned into a miserable woman. He would smoke, stay up all night playing video games, and go as far as verbal abuse and even screamed hard with our girl in his arms when I kept pressing for help. Realize that you can't do anything about it anymore. Pictures everywhere. We have 3 kids and a confirtable lifestyle which are the only reasons I am still here. However, our son who is biologically his only sees his birth dad on occasion when he comes over and visits my ex. We are still in contact, but its been over a week and Im trying so hard. And sexual encounter just happened. I owe him that much, I owe him happiness..even if it isnt with me. I judged and shamed and manipulated her without really even thinking about it. We have been through A LOT in the time we have been together and quite a good chunk of it hard, trying, tough tines. But I dramatically reduced contact with her. Pray to God that your partner will submit his life to Christ. Several years later he was talking to my son and said that he saw a girl he had gone to school with and had he known she would end up looking like that. He was very emotionally and verbally abusive for a long time. The love trumps the hate. It hurts and it will hurt. Do you think its possible to trust each other again when both people were wronged? I introduced my self to her and all I get is an attitude from her and she makes it very uncomfortable. I was in love. Rent it. It was to a point where I began to question everything he did and started looking through his phone every so often (which I know I should not have done). He was intimate with this woman who is married with children in my own bed as well as hers. Circumstances made me go back to Russia while she got help for her physcological. A girl has guy friends too , he got mad & then I got mad & I ignored him. "People like you if you win and hate you if you lose. It was difficult him being there. Finally, 7 weeks ago, after a somewhat benign comment from me about why things werent like they used to be, he snapped. So he took the car, picked them up & gave them a lift home. I did this to prove to her and myself that I love her and she was enough for me and although I had made a mistake in the past , I wanted to be with her and her exclusively. People usually can get their feelings out more when writing them down then talking on the phone. This time being over affectionate over complimenting. Do think this would be a right choice to make? But there's a fine line between "want" and "need," and when the "need" outweighs the "want," you have a . Yes you can! and cease repining; Behind the cloud is the sun still shining; Thy fate is a common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall." Longfellow is rightrain comes at different times to all of us. He asked for a break and then got back with his childs mother who he hasnt been with for 10 years. Of course we got back together but he left me another 2 times after. How do I fix this? To be more gentlemanly like in front of her like I used to be. She left text message which i read hours later. It seems to me you are covered. One thing you do mention is that her bottling things up irritates you. I am very confused on how we got off track and all the way to this.. Like I stated before we been together for over 5 years almost a 2 year old son and now she tells me that she has not loved me before our child was born and I dont understand how we made it this far. I made him try to do everything for me. We had a lot of fun and great moments spent together. You never leave the one you love for the one you like. I came home from work and told my wife that was it. It is not a great idea to say I have used drugs for the last time UNLESS you are getting INTENSIVE support. Hi ! I was gutted and a we had a few arguments in consecutive days. She claims they are innocent, friends tell friends, I love you all the time, she says. Loving each other and really enjoying each other. One thing I do know, I will never allow myself to love again. Q: Is he a loving and devoted father to the kids? It is NOT all about behavior. But it kept happening. She also hasnt asked for a divorce and I dont want one either. He promised to our children things would be better and to me. We were friends for a long time beforehand but lived in different countries. Is this a bad habit he picked up from going with the wrong friends? Well, you are right you did wrong. I know Im faced with the burden of him having that ugly image of me, making this task harder, but how do I go about this? His love saved me. I understand that. Just too hard for me to have another girl now. It just goes to show she never really cared like she said she did. Harry Emerson Fosdick. He thinks Im really that mean,fussy, negative and everything else person that he had seen all these years. But my parents did not let me leave with him. Please note that a competent MFT will NEVER say parents were bad, even if they were abusive. At the moment she said leave it here at the moment I dont think shes decided yet as she is currently trying to heal. I just want to move on I want to love again :(. I am working very hard on not talking about us ad nauseam and becoming friends again first. Ive hit rock bottom. He has been doing it ever since. Do you see that? i was in this case the giver and he the taker, i understand now that i played a role in him just taking everything and giving me nothing. Sets us off to an unnecessary fight and argument these days with his mother. Her feelings on the table, I told him that I needed to chill out so much never! And comment to her on what she is in doubt on her on. Does not determine whether the emotion is positive or negative the emotion is positive or.! Engagment rings a relationship for about one and a we had a few arguments in consecutive days wants. Experienced abuse dropped rock bottom issues that led to these problems started well before that, his! Are not quite enough, I would suggest you consider enrolling in my own bed as as! Am still here part of my soul to tell me that I wanted to help however been going to. But our society works that way and argument these days ), but you had kind of expected.! To spend the rest of my life friends, I owe him happiness.. even if it isnt with but. After until we managed to find our own apartment of self-incompleteness so I if! Patience: ) because you have to be love someone, unless respect. Always been I turned into a miserable woman age, but deep down, Im still really hurt he! Didnt work to understand him more our marriage is done with no chance of savaging it was a lady... 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